Until WHEN Do Us Part?!!!

Marriage is a great institution. But who wants to be in an institution? I’ve heard that old joke several times and it works for me. However I have people very close to me that are married and are practically an extension of each other. Actually I am a firm believer in marriage. I know this sounds funny coming from a divorced dude, but I truly believe in marriage. That said, I should also add that I believe in marriage to the RIGHT person. I was happily married for about 7 years. Quite an accomplishment until I tell you I was actually married for about 13 years. But 7 of those were happy! We dated for about 3 months before I asked her to marry me. We lived together (OMG I hope the kids don’t read this!! JK, I think they know!!) For about a year then tied the knot. In 1989 I filed the EZ tax form and in 1990 I was married, had three kids and bought a house. Taxes were a little bit different that year! Anyway……….we were married about 5 years before we knew what marriage was. We’d fight like cats and dogs, make up then fight more. It was an ongoing process. I don’t know how many times we separated or screamed divorce, but I wish I had a dollar for each time. We searched and found out what marriage really was and the next several years were great. I can truly say that we were a perfect married couple. We did all the things perfect couples did. We were volunteering at school with the kids, we were involved with our church, we judged other couples who we deemed “not as happy as us”. Everything. We worked hard to keep our marriage great. Then…………we didn’t, and got divorced. It’s funny when you work at marriage it’s an ongoing process that takes time to build, but when you divorce it’s not skidding to a halt it’s an abrupt STOP! It’s my belief this happens so your heart can continue to fly out of your chest. And that’s what it feels like until you can continue forward and pick it up and put it back. The walk is further for some than others. Fortunately for me, my walk wasn’t too long. And it doesn’t matter who wants the divorce, it’s equally hurtful. I’m sure my X will disagree with this statement but as good as I was at being married (that’s the part she will disagree with) I’m better at being divorced. The only problem with that is once you are divorced it kind of makes you gun-shy on commitment to another person. I’ve been going out with a wonderful woman for about 4 years. Every July 4th I feel the need to break up with her. I think this is so we can get back together and keep it new longer (just a theory). No doubt this is the person I want to spend the rest of my life with. I just don’t want to ever divorce her. I’ve got to get rid of my belief that marriage is the first step of divorce. I’ve experienced a good marriage and won’t settle for anything less. I am looking forward to experiencing it with her. Just as soon as I can say the word marriage and breathe at the same time. Like anything else we form our opinions on marriage from people we know or look up to. My mom and dad were married 30 plus years before my dad died. After his death, we could never get my mother to date or even consider it really. My dad was the only man she was ever interested in and NOTHING was going to change that, not even his death. They may not have had a perfect marriage, but from what I saw they worked really hard at it. One thing I remember well and picked up in my own life was there was no doubt my dad loved my mom and you better not piss mom off or dad was gonna take ya out! (Just got an idea for a future blog, “things your dad said.” My dad was a book of great quotes). I have a sister and brother in law celebrating 20 years this month. They work hard on their marriage although I bet they would both say it’s no work at all. They are truly committed to each other and are on a different plane than everyone else I know. I have a brother and a sister who are not married yet display the kind of “one-ness” with their respective other halves that any married couple would envy. These are my “marriage heroes!” And then there are others that are train wrecks waiting to happen. They aren’t committed or they are “staying together for the kids.” Just an opinion, but that is about the dumbest reason I’ve heard to stay together. I’m pretty sure your kids want you to be happy. Whenever a friend tells me they are contemplating divorce I always tell them the same thing, “Fight for your marriage until you can’t lift your arms.” Of course if you can’t lift your arms anymore, get divorced! Cut your losses and look for happiness elsewhere. But ONLY after you’ve exhausted every possible means of working it out. In the words of Chris Rock, “life is short, unless you’re married to the wrong person. Then it’s a looooooooooong time.” Here’s a shocker for you…..divorce sucks! Even if you can’t stand each other or are totally unhappy in your marriage. It still sucks. Divorce is the death of a marriage and death is very hard. That said, I’m happily divorced. I’d like to thank my X wife for us not working harder. If we did she may not have found her current husband and me my current girlfriend. Now we are both able to pursue happiness and to be models for our children. Everyone wants their children to find the right person. I’ve always told my girls to find someone who treats them better than me and they will receive my blessing. I’ll let you know how that one turns out in about 50 years when they are ready for marriage! In closing I’d like to add, it’s not the size of the ring but the size of the heart that matters in marriage (OK, I threw that one in for the g/f’s benefit!! She’s not buying the old, “your hands are too small for a big diamond” shtick). Congratulations to all the happily married couples out there. Thank you for being an inspiration to those of us trying to grasp the concept!

Editor’s Note: The G/F and I just updated our FaceBook status to confirm we ARE in a relationship. I’m only hyperventilating a little. Baby steps, baby steps!